World Cup Fever!

The World Cup is a unique time; a time when nations around the globe put aside their differences and convene to knock a ball around a field, kick each other and shout racist taunts. With kick-off only a week away, I've decided to outfit my website with some lovely football related designs and words of patriotic encouragement in a scrolling marquee. The World Cup is magical because it gives everyone in the country someone to cheer for and an excuse to plaster the cross of St George on every object imaginable, including car windshields and dogs. Unfortunately, not everyone (namely women and immigrants) knows how football works, whereas I, a pure-bred English male, have an innate understanding of the beautiful game. In this blog, then, I shall be enacting my public service responsibilities and addressing some commonly asked but infrequently answered queries about the game which keeps us all on the edge of our sofas.

Common Football Vocab

If you've got your offsides confused with your goalsides and your Rio Ferdinands mixed up with your Sven Goran-Erikssons, use this table to translate football jargon into simple English:

Term:Meaning:
GoalThe goal of the match is to win.
BallThe black tie party commonly held after the match by the winning team. Champagne is traditionally served, along with fine caviar.
PitchWhen trading players, the selling team will often pitch their player to the prospective buyer.
Throw-inThe process by which a new player joins a match in progress, i.e. he is thrown in.
SupporterA person who is attending the match with the intention of throwing something or having a fight with a foreigner.
CoachThe vehicle by which players arrive at the stadium. A football coach is a specially made coach with footballs painted on the side.
Off-sideA rule inserted into football to prevent women and gays understanding it. Explained below.
PassPlayers who are particularly attracted to each other may offer to buy each other drinks or drop a tacky pick-up line. This is known as making a pass.
Kick-offThis happens when the ball is kicked off the pitch.
ShotSome footballers have a shot of spirits before the match to calm their nerves. Others simply inject heroin.
"Man on!" A phrase players shout at each other to warn of an advancing homosexual.
TackleThe hooks and bait attached to the end of the lines players use to hook the ball out of hard-to-reach areas.
CornerWhen a player is cornered, his last remaining option is to perform Sepukku (the ancient Japanese act of suicide by self-disembowelment) and surrender the ball to the other team. Death before dishonour!

The Off-side rule

Commonly regarded as the most complicated rule in sporting history, the Off-side rule was introduced primarily to confuse everyone. And it has worked. Neither players nor referees understand all the facets of the rule (the Fifa definition of which spans several books). Here it is summarised as concisely as possible:

The offside rule is invoked when:

When one or three of these conditions are met, the ball is off-side and must be placed 'on-side' within five seconds. This is accomplished by either:

Once the ball is back 'on-side', normal play can resume. If the ball is not placed 'on-side', the match is restarted and the offending player given a jolly good ticking-off.

FAQs

Q: Will England win?
A: Of course England will win. We haven't won for forty years so we are bound to win sooner or later.

Q: Why can't Rooney play?
A: The real question is why WON'T Rooney play. As demonstrated in The Sun on Saturday, Rooney is far from injured as he was photographed clearly kicking a football. It is most likely he is refusing to play out of his bitter resentment for the English way of life.

Q: What are acceptable racist terms to use when insulting the Germans?
A: 'Eurocrat', 'Brussels Buggerer' and 'Frankfurter Fag' are acceptable terms of racial abuse. NB: Hitler salutes and Nazi jibes went out of fashion in 2002!!!

Q: I do not care about the World Cup. Does this mean I am a homosexual?
A: Yes, this is a classic symptom of homosexuality.

Q: Which footballer has the nicest legs?
A: Legend has it that Des Lynam has the sexiest legs in the footballing world, however he keeps them hidden from everyone but himself under his commentary desk.

Permalink || Posted 4/6/2006 by Pete

9 comments »«

  1. england dave - 4/6/2006 - 8:14pm

    CMON ENGLAAAND!!!!!!!!!

  2. Matt - 4/6/2006 - 9:21pm

    Aah football - the beautiful game: muddy sweaty men swearing at each other and pretending to be injured to get a free-kick; people on the sidelines throwing toilet rolls onto the pitch and starting fights. Beautiful. Truly beautiful.

  3. Noodle - 4/6/2006 - 10:07pm

    Feeble attempt at satire Pete. Every knows you're a gash and also a bum-boy.

  4. tim - 5/6/2006 - 3:24pm

    EASEH
    EASEH
    EASEH

  5. groin - 7/6/2006 - 1:51pm

    O Flower of Scotland,
    When will we see
    Your like again,
    That fought and died for,
    Your wee bit Hill and Glen,
    And stood against him,
    Proud Edward's Army,
    And sent him homeward,
    Tae think again.
    The Hills are bare now,
    And Autumn leaves
    lie thick and still,
    O'er land that is lost now,
    Which those so dearly held,
    That stood against him,
    Proud Edward's Army,
    And sent him homeward,
    Tae think again.

    Those days are past now,
    And in the past
    they must remain,
    But we can still rise now,
    And be the nation again,
    That stood against him,
    Proud Edward's Army,
    And sent him homeward,
    Tae think again.

    0 Flower of Scotland,
    When will we see
    your like again,
    That fought and died for,
    Your wee bit Hill and Glen,
    And stood against him,
    Proud Edward's Army,
    And sent him homeward,
    Tae think again.

  6. gay - 7/6/2006 - 2:55pm

    MAN ON!!! get it. OI!!! PETE!!! MAN ON!!!! gayness on the wayness.

  7. Phizzy - 10/6/2006 - 2:59pm

    And in your anus OMG LMFAO

  8. Frank Furter - 10/6/2006 - 3:32pm

    Achtung! Sie sind alles English esels, und sie reichen aus Schössling!

  9. Mrs Bigley - 11/6/2006 - 6:35pm

    Football always reminds me of Ken's first wife Barbie's inflatable tits. Oh, and Ken's head. DON'T FORGET KEN PETE!!!

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