Will you marry me, Simon Heffer?

Simon 'I love blacks' HefferSimon Heffer is so super. I really like him. In fact, I think I want to marry him! Every time I read his column in the Daily Mail I feel all goosepimply and get butterflies in my stomach. I make sure to buy the Spectator as often as I can just to see which minority group he wants to slander this week.

Last week in the Mail he was slagging off those no-good Africans. Go Simon! He was saying lots of really clever stuff about how we shouldn't help Africa because it's a hotbed of tyrants and corrupt governments, and they should help themselves. The best part was how he completely forgot to mention that it's the Western powers that make governments corrupt in the first place, and the British colonization of much of Africa during the days of the Empire is an undeniable root of the conflict.

I DEFINITELY want to marry Simon. I bet he's great in the sack - plus, we can indulge in lots of mature pillow talk about predatory homosexual men and how the gay age of consent should be raised. Simon would undoubtedly say YES to a proposal from me if only he wasn't so vehemently opposed to gay rights. I keep his picture in my pocket. Everyone should have a bit of Heffer inside of them.

Permalink || Posted 22/6/2005 by Pete


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