Top Sex Tips

Let's face it, you don't want sexual advice from some virgin writing for Radio 1's One Life section. You want hot tips from a top maestro, a true conquistador - someone who's not only been there and done that, but been there three times and done it six ways from Sunday. In short, you want sex tips from me. So for your pleasure I've prepared some saucy secrets that are guaranteed* to get your mattress moaning and your neighbours complaining. About sex noise.

1. Fore-play is for-gays

I don't know why there's such a hullabaloo about foreplay these days. I mean, what's the point? Does anyone know? Fiddle this and rub that, lick this, blow that, it's disgusting. Foreplay is the advert reel before the film, the salad before the steak, the queue for the rollercoaster. The only reason foreplay advice is stuck in sex books is to pad them out. Just skip it.

2. Contraception

I'll be honest, I don't know much about contraception. But I do know this much: condoms are for SQUARES. Seriously, you don't want to bother with that crap. The easiest form of contraception as far as men are concerned is abortion, which simply requires a trip to a clinic (or a coathanger), and it has a 100% success rate. You can't beat 100%. If you're worried about STI's, just pour some rubbing alcohol over your genitals after each shag. When the horrendous stinging pain subsides, you can take your beat to the street with the full confidence that you don't have crabs.

3. Fellatio and Cunnilingus

Don't be suckered in by these crazy Italian words. Any idea what they mean? Me neither. But in my book they can only be trouble. Steer clear.

4. Bondage

Some people see bondage as a kinky part of the love-making routine, but if you're like me then it's a practical necessity. Seriously, no one wants their "partner" running off whilst they're trying to get busy. It's just offputting. Gags also help, and remember: if you can still hear screaming then you need to tighten it. So many people forget this basic rule.

5. Location, location, location

For truly amazing sex, location matters. Bedrooms, gardens and even kitchens are all but clichéd these days. Instead you should look for somewhere novel. Who can boast that they've had sex in an abandoned slate quarry? How about a nuclear waste storage facility? Or an owl sanctuary? That's right, I can, but you can't, because you're living in the past. Get out there and go wild! (not literally)

Well that's about all the sex tips I can muster for today. I trust they'll lead to a more fruitfiul sex life for you and your spouse. You can buy my book, "Sex Done Right - The Natflap Way" from selected bookshops, whenever I get round to writing and publishing it.

*NB: No guarantee expressed or implied

Permalink || Posted 9/9/2005 by Pete

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