THIS EXCLUSIVE BLOG ENTRY BROUGHT TO YOU BY NME!

Pete Doherty!What's up indie fans! Here's a rocking blog entry that will turn your pants to jelly or some other incongruous metaphor. At the very least, my new blog will make Pete Doherty look like James Blunt, and that's a fairly overstated commentary based on current affairs in the British music scene so I hope you understood it! Let's rock and roll!

In this blog I'm going to be emboldening random words as I know my readers have the collective intelligence of Pete Doherty and the attention span of a comatosed goldfish! That is to say you're all idiots and that's only confirmed by the fact that you buy this worthless magazine! Also be on the lookout for my overzealous use of exclamation marks, because normal tone is cool, but isn't everything better when it's emphasised!? I thought so!

Now I'm going to give you an opinion on current acts in the world of the British indie scene. I may even include a few American acts to make it look as though I'm culturally diverse. Watch out, mind you, because my opinion is likely to change so fast, by the time you've reached the end of the sentence I'll probably hate the band for selling out or some other thing. Not everyone can be as good as Pete Doherty, after all! Also please note that my comments may be an attempt to subvert the status quo rather than simply observe it. But you're stupid and you'll just buy straight into all the crap I'm feeding you! Oh my God, I emboldened status quo but I didn't actually mention the band of the same name! You don't know what's going on, do you? On with the bands!

I recently had the pleasure of listening to the Arctic Monkeys, and I have to say, I think they're the next Pete Doherty as far as music is concerned. The last thing they need at this pivotal early point in their career is excess hype from an opinionated music magazine, but that's tough shit because they're going to get it anyway! In all honesty I think the Arctic Monkeys will be the Beatles of the 21st century. How can they possibly live up to such high expectations? I don't know! But I'll be around when they crash and burn so I can mock them.

What about this other band? Test Icicles! I only like them because they have a clever name (it looks like testicles!). Never mind that their music is atrocious and unmelodic, and a veritable failure at genre fusion. I'm telling you to like them, and you will, because you're an idiot. Don't be dissauded that they don't look or sound anything like Pete Doherty. All that glitters and snorts lines of coke is not gold! Or something! I made an edgy joke. I better add an expletive in as well to make it look as though I'm still on the cusp of modern society. Fuck.

Oh my God! I've come this far writing an article and haven't even mentioned Pete Doherty yet! (much) As a cocaine-snorting failure I think he should be a role model to all you millions of NME readers across the country. When you grow up you need to become just like Doherty. His life means something. If you don't become as moribund and redundant as Pete Doherty, all that will be left to do is cancel your NME subscription and your life will have been completely futile. So keep reading, indie fans, keep reading, for the good of your own existence.

Next week we have our 15th interview with The Strokes so far this year. Read it for more useless hype of their new album! Peace out!

Permalink || Posted 15/12/2005 by Pete

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