I had to buy some shampoo yesterday. This is not exactly a new experience for me, but a slightly difficult one. You see; I didn't know which exact shampoo to buy. I knew it was called Fructis and came in a green container (like all good shampoos do). I knew I needed Fructis because the active fruit concentrate in it helps to nourish and fortify my hair. But I, in all my folly and naivety, only thought there was one type of Fructis.

Turns out I was wrong. In Boots, there were anything from 3 to 6 types of Fructis, all with very slight differences. My main problem was that the sticky label from my last bottle had come off in the water of the shower, so I was left with only my brain, and very limited knowledge of hair care, to decide which sort to buy. Was my hair "long and hard to control?". Well, I supposed, it is long-ish as men's hair goes, and I frequently get told it's "out of control" (but in a GOOD way). But is this a men's shampoo? I didn't know. If it were a woman's shampoo, then my hair wouldn't be classed as that long at all. Or does my hair "get greasy"? Is it "dry and damaged"? Has it "lost its natural vibrancy"?

I was lost. Up the creek with no canoe. Alone on a desert island of shampoo related madness - Robinson Crusoe, perhaps, but with no Man Friday. I decided to read the descriptions on the shampoo bottles so that they may help my journey back to the mainland of meterosexual sanity.

What I needed, it emerged as I read the labels, was a shampoo that fortified from the ROOTS. I could have kicked myself for being so stupid before. How could I have forgotten the ROOTS? But Fructis doesn't just nourish the roots. No no. It also works from the INSIDE of the hair fibre to strengthen it and SMOOTH it to the tip. How does it perform all this crazy witchcraft, I wondered to myself. But the answer was there in front of me - fruit acid! And fructose! And glucose! And vitamins B3 and B6! THAT'S how they do it! I'm sure the other stuff on the ingredients list, like the Disodium Cocamphodiactate or the Sodium Methylparaben, is just a holder for the fruity goodness, and washes straight out, because I wouldn't want any of that shit in my hair.

The labels assured me that after 5 washes, the active fruit concentrate would leave my hair feeling 3 times smoother and shinier. A whole 3 times? I wasn't convinced. 3 times smoother is a lot smoother in my book. And after 10 washes, it would be twice as strong! So obviously this shampoo's forté is smoothness as opposed to strength. I still couldn't really believe this, but handily, the nice folk at Garnier had drawn a little graph to illustrate it. It looks something like this:

Stupid graph

Well, that sealed the deal in my book. Twice the strength and three times the smoothness. It was there in front of me. That just didn't compare to the other brands. Certainly not Wella's "totally organic experience" shampoo, which subtly tries to imply that using it will give you an orgasm (on the TV advert). I don't need a mess in my shower. The bottle also instructed me to follow with "Garnier Fructis Conditioner" for ultra nourished hair. No thanks, Garnier. I don't need my hair "ultra nourished". My hair would be getting more fruit than a gluttonous monkey with fruit fetish - i.e. too much. Besides, I'm not a stupid whore to Garnier's well-placed marketing, ludicrous unfalsifiable claims or carefully chosen nonsense jargon. I make my own decisions. It was 2 for £2. Deal.

Permalink || Posted 19/4/2005 by Pete


  1. davey boi - 26/4/2005 - 9:44pm

    rantorama, this is pure comedymania m8

  2. The Natflap - 26/4/2005 - 9:51pm

    I'm glad you think so!

  3. davey boi - 26/4/2005 - 9:59pm

    rantorama, this is pure comedymania m8

  4. Chris B - 27/4/2005 - 9:30pm

    I wouldn't worry about the Wella shampoo, the mess will wash out. Well, most of it.

  5. Noodle - 29/4/2005 - 7:13pm

    Ever heard of Tres-Emme? Did you know that Tres-Emme started in salons? So inside - salon quality!

  6. Mr Vosene - 4/5/2005 - 10:02pm

    Damon Albarn used one of our bottles to masturbate with, and it left his pubes squeeky clean!

  7. Hollies mum - 20/5/2005 - 4:25pm

    A lot of people are allergic to Fructus. I suggest you use a moisturising shampoo followed by the use of a conditioner. Dont be taken in by expensive brands. Boots own will suit you fine. P.S You do need a hair cut.

  8. Holly - 24/5/2005 - 8:40pm

    Unfortunately - and I hate to say this but since mum is a hairdresser - i hate to say this....but.....SHE'S RIGHT!

  9. Phizzy - 24/7/2005 - 10:19pm

    Hairdressers are dumb.

  10. [color=blue]Pete Nattress[/color][img][/img] - 7/9/2005 - 7:01pm


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