Last week, I bought some pants. They were a pack of five pants from Matalan, the super-discount store where every buy's a bargain. Whilst such a trivial purchase is hardly going to shake the foundations of retail as we know it, I still feel it is worthy of attention. You see, I seem to have this problem with pants. Allow me to explain.

I'm not a conspiracy theorist. That said, I do believe in one conspiracy of my own invention: that there is a secretive underpants conglomerate hidden deep underground, perhaps in the Hull area. No-one knows for sure. Let's call it "PantsCo". At the head of "PantsCo" is "Dr Pants", a megalomaniacal genius with a distinct hatred for one thing and one thing only: my balls. God only knows what my balls have done to earn the lifelong loathing of "Dr Pants", but that's beside the point. "Dr Pants" has taken it upon himself to personally ensure that my balls are given the most uncomfortable life possible. He has done this by ordering every pant manufacturer in the world to only create and distribute the "tight" variety of pants. As more and more pants companies yield under the iron fist of "Dr Pants", I have had increasing difficulty locating the "loose" pants which I far prefer.

If you're reading this and thinking to yourself "Pete's wrong as usual, because I love tight pants and there's nothing I prefer more than having my genitals mashed together like some horrible Playdough experiment gone wrong", I'd implore you to examine this diagram before we go any further:

Ferrets. In pants.

For the sake of metaphor and comedy (and to avoid the embarrassment of trying to draw an accurate depiction of a penis), I have represented the genitals with a rather grotesque picture of that most loveable of weasels, the ferret. I suppose what I'm trying to say is, "imagine if your penis was a ferret", if your imagination can stretch to that. Observe the ferret on the left, encased in loose pants. He is content. There is a smile on his face and presumably a spring in his step. With plenty of room to manoeuvre, Mr Ferret is going to be happy in there for a long time. Contrast that with the ferret on the right, entombed in a horribly tight prison of fabric. He's crushed to such a degree that he's bent double, his tail poking out the side and an expression of pure exasperation on his little ferret face as he gasps desperately for air. Which ferret would you rather be?

I trust that my point about tight pants is proven. No sane person wants their meat and two veg pressed up into their groin as if their crotch were a mechanical vice. Why is it, then, that I cannot find any loose pants anywhere? My purchase in Matalan the other day was not based on impulse. I spent a good ten minutes sorting through the various pants trying to find a pair that by all outward appearances didn't seem like ballcrushers. Once again I was mistaken, and I'm quickly getting desperate for some form of pant salvation.

Pants, just like everything else, do not last forever. They wear out; they become mouldy, in some cases stained. I'm down to a skeleton supply of fresh pants these days, and if I don't find some loose pants somewhere soon, I'm going to have to make some awkward moral decisions. Is it ethical to wear dirty pants two days running to avoid the pain of having to wear tight pants? That's certainly a question I hope I never have to answer. What about wearing no pants at all? It sounds tempting but if I'm literally caught with my trousers down things could become tricky.

I guess the easiest solution to my woes is to go out into the barren wilderness of modern retail and track down some pants. But "Dr Pants" is clever. It seems that no packet of pants is clearly marked as to whether they are tight or loose, and the illustrations or pictures that adorn the packaging are ambiguous at best. Trying to judge the matter via the model's "bulge size" is hardly going to help when every bulge is different and is probably not even a natural bulge in the first place. Furthermore, there seems to be some sort of taboo when it comes to trying pants on in the fitting room -- they're the sort of garment people assume you "don't need to try on". I can try cheese at the supermarket before I buy it, and pants cost more than cheese, so I'm unsure as to the reasoning behind this. Maybe it's considered "unhygienic" or some such other politically correct nonsense.

"Dr Pants", or whoever is responsible for complete absence of loose pants from today's shops, is slowly working towards victory in his little clandestine war against my testicles. But whilst I was laid waste to on the battlefields of Matalan, as my supply of clean pants runs ever lower, my reserve troops are secretly marching on to victory. That's right. Next time I go to Tesco, I'm going to look for some loose pants. And by God, I'd better find some.

Permalink || Posted 24/4/2006 by Pete


  1. daveman - 24/4/2006 - 9:11pm

    but what if your ferret has a tendancy to escape if not locked in tight??

  2. Paul J - 24/4/2006 - 11:09pm

    Perhaps you should stop shopping in the 'ladies' section then, Pete.

  3. Alex - 25/4/2006 - 12:26am

    This whole rant is made moot by Tesco Value large boxers.

    36-38 inch waist, but sufficient elasticity to fit the gentleman with a 32 inch waist, providing 4 inches of squashed up fabric for the freedom of the ferret; to extend a cringeworthy analogy.

  4. stinkyfisheggs - 25/4/2006 - 1:38pm

    I saw you, dave and phil in Matalan on the day of the purchase of the pants

  5. tim - 25/4/2006 - 11:01pm

    hard as it may be to imagine now, pete, i once had similar pant problems to yours. i solved the problem by investing in tesco's own boxers and i have never looked back since - my only complaint is they are too loose!

    let's up tesco can bring a similarly happy end to your constriction woes.

    yours in hope,

  6. ME - 25/4/2006 - 11:27pm

    Just wear boxer shorts and quit moaning.

  7. Mrs Pants - 17/5/2006 - 12:29pm

    Primark do good ones! My boyf likes em neway and he is of similar views to yourself!

  8. Dr Pants - 3/6/2006 - 8:55pm


  9. Mr Black - 20/7/2006 - 8:11pm

    Try going commando, its greeeeat!

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