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NO WAY magazine

MADGE STEALS AFRICAN BABY

Like a virgin... when it comes to child abduction!

Madonna

Madonna: maternal role model for a whole continent!

Pop Princess MADONNA this week stunned fans and friends alike when she returned from the remote land of Malawi (wherever THAT is) with a brand new tot in tow! However, all is not as it seems, as Madonna does not actually have any legal capacity to take the bouncing baby boy!

The baby, named David Banda (not its actual name) was 'given' to Madonna in mysterious circumstances which seem to violate both UK and Malawian laws! But Madge assures us it's all above board because she loves the child and is certainly not doing all this for free publicity in wake of lacklustre album sales!

Despite her personal fortune which exceeds hundreds of millions of dollars, Madonna felt her resources would be better spent adopting one child with a living relative rather than trying to donate money to help improve Malawi's desperate living conditions. And as for all the other millions of kids who couldn't fit into Madonna's personal jet, she says: "I'll be back for them!" Madonna is saving Africa, one child at a time!

If Madonna wanted to upstage Angelina Jolie's child theft, we think she's already won! A quick survey carried out for NO WAY revealed that Malawi is a much cooler country to take children from than Malaysia. Go Madge!

In our NEXT ISSUE we'll have an exclusive interview with Madonna, Guy and David (her new son!) PLUS exclusive pictures of David crying for his father! And what will the Malawi courts have to say about this? All that and more in next week's NO WAY!

Mel Gibson blames his anti-Semitism on the Jews!

"Goddamn Jews," says Mel!

Gibson

MEL: Can the Jews stay mad at a smile like that?

In an interview on American TV, Mel Gibson apologised for the anti-Semitic remarks he made when pulled over for drink-driving last month. But he didn't stop there! When asked to speculate as to the cause of his outburst, Mel laid the blame on critics of his snuff film religious epic THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST. By the way, lots of the critics of The Passion are Jewish!

All-American heartthrob Mel (who called his arresting officer 'sugar-tits') went on to say that the Jews are not entirely "blameless" in the Middle East conflict. Mel seems unable to differentiate between 'all Jews in the world' and 'Israel', but that doesn't bother him... seeing as he was raised by a holocaust denier!

The Braveheart star ended up his interview by saying he needs to "heal himself". That might be harder for Mel than it sounds, given his past track record when it comes to anti-Semitism, but we're sure he'll give it his best shot. Mel was going to make a TV show about the Holocaust but that got pulled after ABC executives got cold feet (I wonder why!). Oh well Mel, at least you've got your health!

Permalink || Posted 18/10/2006 by Pete

6 comments »«

  1. The Natflap - 18/10/2006 - 2:15am

    For those wondering, most of this stuff is true, espescially the stuff about Gibson. See here:

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/6050964.stm

    and

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/5234142.stm

  2. riach - 18/10/2006 - 4:58pm

    i had bad breath today

  3. davo - 18/10/2006 - 7:59pm

    Just because you've made a front cover and added loads of exclamation marks, doesn't disguise this from being the dirty rant that it is!

  4. sarah - 18/10/2006 - 9:08pm

    youre FUCKING JEWISH arent you pete? i knew it

  5. Chris - 22/10/2006 - 10:25pm

    Peter, I can safely come to 2 conclusions about you here,
    1. You are obviously an angry Jew.
    2. You are also, evidently a bitter African orphan, who has the issue of theft from his birth country close to his heart!

    But don't worry about Mel, he hates everyone and blames them for everything. Especially the English and Jews, but especially English Jews. maybe he's a bitter because he too was stolen away from his native country by an English Jew.

  6. Kyle - 23/10/2006 - 12:52pm

    I'm pretty sure there were babies in Africa

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