The Beach

I haven't been to the beach in years. "Why?", I hear you ask, you nosey shit. Is it because I am an antisocial tosspot? Well, no. Is it because I live too far from the beach and getting there is impractical? No. Is it because I hate the fucking beach?

Well, yes. I hate the beach, now shut the fuck up and go and have a wank. For me, the beach is the epitome of a boring, monotonous, pointless "day out". What can one do on the beach? Well, there's always the enthralling and exciting option of lying down and doing fuck all all day. Yeah, sounds like a winner straight off the bat. Or how about a lovely swim, in the nice clean water next to a sewage outlet, teaming with bacteria and other unsavoury organisms and persisting threat of an undercurrent that'll take you straight out to sea and drown you. Any takers?

Has no one who goes to the beach ever watched Jaws? I think Jaws sends the right kind of message - go to the beach, and you'll be chewed up and spat out by a motherfucking shark with a bad attitude and plaque build-up. Sure, the chances may not be as great here as they are in Amity Island, but if I sit at home and play computer games, there is absolutely no danger at all of being eaten by a shark. As a man who rarely bets, I think the safe option has all of the merits and none of the drawbacks.

Sharks aren't the only unsavoury customers to be found on the beach. As far as my shrewd detective work can conclude, it's the principle habitat of paedophiles and perverts. Think about it - all the kids running around without bathing suits on (or don't think about it, whatever floats your boat) - and that strange looking man sat next to you sending a text message on his brand new mobile phone. That man is a fucking nonce. That's right, dipshit, if you go to the beach, chances are you'll be sat next to a kiddy fiddler. Case closed. If you find that acceptable, you should contemplate having an accident involving a hedge trimmer and your face, or maybe I can contemplate such an accident for you. Personally, I enjoy inhabiting paedophile-free arenas, such as online chat rooms. At least there I can be safe. If you think my paedophile ideas are a bit farfetched, there's always a massive chance that you're being stared at by some fat perverted French person, who's actually wanking off into an empty 99 flake. You're just not safe on the beach.

Sand. Sand. Sand. I hate sand. Sand is what fucking animals PISS into. My cat's litter is comprised mainly of sand. Sand is what kiddies play in (and piss in) when they're three years old. Unless you're a three year old kid - which you're NOT (if you are, please accept my apologies, well done for finding this website) - what the fuck is the point of playing around in sand? Sand gets so far up my arsecrack it's unreal. If I go to the beach in June I'm still shitting sand by Christmas. Now I doubt it's just me, a lot of people (especially European women) have hairy arses, and arse hair seems to have some sort of magnetic resonance that makes it attract sand. Wiping one's sandy arse equates to the effect of wiping one's arse with sandpaper - think about it. Not nice.

To top it all, sand conceals all varieties of nasty items. Fancy an HIV top-up? Just go to Studland Nudist beach and take a barefoot stroll in the dunes, if you're lucky you'll get tetanus as well at no extra cost. And of course, there's nothing more pleasant than feeling the caressing texture of a cigarette butt or ice cream stick against the soles of your feet (which have already been lacerated to bloody chunks of meat by all the fucking seashells). All the cunts that go to the beach are so fucking pretentious - they complain it's full of litter yet they all litter the fucking place. There are bins there for a reason YOU LITTLE SHITS. Talking of little shits, dogwalker's paradise takes on a new meaning when your kids are blind and you're hospitalised through some disease you caught when you accidentally ate some dogshit some prick left on the beach especially for you. I hate dogs. They'd be agreeable if only they shitted on other people's lawns, like cats do.

Some people go to the beach because they think it's nice and hot, and they can get a tan. If you're such a person, I can safely say that you're a fucking idiot. Where do you think it's going to be hotter - on a beach with winds blowing in straight off the sea at 30 knots, or in a secluded garden or park with a soothing gentle breeze - and no sand blowing in your face and tearing holes in your corneas? As for tans - just fuck off - there are more ways to look brown than to slowly fry yourself like a spit roast pig under the roaring UV radiation that only our nice clean environment can provide. Enjoy your skin cancer, you narcissistic cunts.

Now you've read this, you're probably thinking "Holy fuck, Pete's right, I've been wasting my life down the beach!" If you're not thinking that, it might pay to read a second time, and bear in mind the other things that make a visit to the beach such a pleasant experience - the joys of parking a car, the thrill of realizing some cock has made off with your wallet and mobile whilst you were skinny dipping with the poisonous jellyfish, and the momentous, not-to-be-missed occasion when the sun goes in and the rain starts pissing down, that happens, without fail, on almost every beach trip EVER. I can still think of more shit to write about why the beach is so shit, but I think I've exhausted the subject somewhat.

Permalink || Posted 23/8/2004 by Pete


  1. Tom - 27/4/2005 - 3:56pm

    Actually pete, i reckon the beach is quite nice

  2. Chris B - 27/4/2005 - 8:35pm

    In Southend, we wanted the beach to last forever. SO WE FILLED IT WITH PEBBLES!

  3. Sand - 4/5/2005 - 9:03pm

    Do you think I like being up your crack? NO! It works both ways punk.

  4. Dogs - 20/7/2005 - 11:51am

    You shat youself when you were my age petey boy

  5. Teapot - 17/1/2006 - 12:06pm

    Yeah the beach is pretty awful, I live in Australia and our entire culture centes around it.

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