Birthday thank-you letters

Dear Grandma,

I'm writing to thank you very much for the present you sent me for nineteenth birthday. It was a very thoughtful gift and I'm sure I'll be using them a lot in the future. You got just the size right as well, so there was no need to worry, I don't need the receipt to send them back! The colours were lovely incidentally; nothing too garish, it was the perfect gift really. I just hope I have enough anal intercourse to use them all up before they expire!

With thanks and love


Dear Aunty Jane,

Just a quick note to say a big thank you for the lovely thing you sent me for my birthday. I say "thing" because I'm not quite sure what it is. I know the box says salamander eggs but they look more like decorative pebbles to me, and my brother reckons they're just massive gobstoppers. Still, I'll keep them incubated until I find out what they really are or whatever dark terrors they secrete are unleashed upon me. How is Uncle Jack recovering after his operation? (or should that be Aunty Jack now?). Look forward to seeing you at Christmas!



Dear Tom,

How are you my cousin! I just thought I'd drop you a line to say a big thank you for that cursed Palestinian talisman you sent me for my birthday. I know your note said it would grant me three wishes but cause horrific repercussions for me and my loved ones, but I've had nothing yet. Well, my sister was killed by wasps when I wished for a new car but I've put that down to coincidence. Her funeral is next week, perhaps I'll see you there?

Take care,


Dear Uncle Ian,

I know we haven't always seen eye to eye, especially over the whole Holocaust issue (and it WAS a crime against humanity, uncle), so I was very surprised and delighted to receive that present from you the other day. I'm afraid I am already a member of my local Liberal Democrat group, though, so one year's membership of the BNP has limited use for me. Still it was very kind of you. In answer to your question, I'm not still dating "that dark girl" -- that tirade of abuse you subjected her to in your last visit has put her off my family for good!

See you soon,


Dear Richard and Margaret,

Thank you very much for the money you sent me for my birthday. I took well to your suggestion to go and have a drink, but I fear I had one too many and I actually used that money to pay the local police an on-the-spot fine for drunk and disorderly behaviour. Still I learnt my lesson about over-indulgence and yours truly was money well spent. I know it's a bit cheeky but would you mind sending a bit more because I now need to buy a new car.

Warmest regards,


Permalink || Posted 28/3/2006 by Pete


  1. A Concerned Mother - 29/3/2006 - 6:45pm

    Quite a shockingly bad blog this one Pete. I saw the advertisement on your sign in name and to be perfectly honest, im really, really, disapointed. Hope the next one is better. You'd better buck your ideas up sonny.

    P.S. So, youre going out with a Black girl are you? Congrats.

  2. Pfff - 19/5/2006 - 2:21pm

    a black girl? thats nothing. i once went out with a mouse and a keyboard. me and the keyboard couldn't find the right KEYS to unlock our friendship barrier, but me and the mouse? well, we just clicked. and then i rammed it up my ass until i BLED

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